After setting up automated birthday messages through his CRM to "stay top of mind," Denver-based advisor Ross Bianchi sent a warm note Tuesday to longtime client Harold Meunier, who died in February 2023. The email, sent to Harold's AOL address, wished Meunier a happy birthday, thanked him for his continued trust, and expressed excitement for "everything the year ahead has in store." Bianchi, who had attended the funeral, did not disable the automation because he "wasn't totally sure how to do that." Meunier's widow, still on the shared account, has now received the message three years running and describes it as "a nice thought, mostly."

Orlando-based advisor David Mitchell has invested $6,000 in microphone equipment and a “cinematic” studio backdrop for his forthcoming podcast, “Wealth, Unfiltered,” which he believes will distinguish him in a field of 40,000 nearly identical advisor podcasts. “Everyone else is putting out the same generic content. Mine’s about real money advice,” Mitchell told The Fiduciary, describing a format identical to the others. The debut episode runs 74 minutes and covers the basics of investing, the importance of having a financial advisor, and his very best client story: that one time he met Bill Murray on a road trip through South Carolina, and what it taught him about being open to opportunities. Mitchell has not recorded a second episode and describes the podcast as “a movement.”

Cleveland-based advisor Marcus Ferro, who spent fourteen years building a practice almost entirely on Schwab Advisor Network referrals, learned this week that starting next year the minimum asset level for a referable client will rise to $5 million, meaning most of the people who built his business will, going forward, not be considered to exist. “I have ninety households. Under the new number, eleven of them are real. The rest are a rounding error with a pulse.” Ferro spent Tuesday reviewing his book and confirming which longtime clients had been retroactively reclassified as insufficient. Schwab, which raised the same threshold from $500,000 to $2 million in January and notes that most of the program’s money comes from clients with at least $10 million, has stated it remains deeply committed to independent advisors, most of whom it would also not refer.

During its Q2 earnings call, reporting $96.2 billion in revenue, Nvidia executives departed from the customary format on Wednesday to address shareholders' personal lives directly. "AI has reached its golden age. Compute is revenue. Go ahead and buy the boat," CEO Jensen Huang said, per a transcript. "Q3 revenue is projected to be between $105.8 billion and $110.1 billion. Go ahead and get the upgraded countertops, too. We're projecting the second half of 2027 to be as bright as whatever quartz you're leaning towards." Management then advised listeners to stop checking the number, book the trip, and expense the nice dinner at the new restaurant down the street, adding that a recession, should one arrive, "is a Q4 problem and we are only human, except for the chips, which are not." The call concluded with Huang reminding investors that the boat "is not going to name itself, although, with our technology, it actually is."

Chicago-based advisor Chip Delaney rented a projector and ordered a taco spread for Wednesday’s client gathering, at which attendees will listen to Nvidia’s quarterly earnings call live, an event Delaney has described as “our Super Bowl.” “I want them to hear it happen in real time. This is what I do for them,” said Delaney, who did not select Nvidia, time its purchase, or influence its performance in any way. Roughly ten clients are expected to listen to a company report earnings numbers while a man takes credit for it. Delaney told The Fiduciary that he has prepared remarks and a playlist for both potential outcomes of the call.

In January, client Doug Halvorsen instructed his advisor to pursue "maximum aggressive growth," a term he read in a Facebook post, after describing himself as "basically a young guy" at the age of 61. Following a routine market dip this week, Halvorsen called four times before noon to request a full move to cash, gold, or "whatever's safe." "In January, he told me he could stomach anything. He used the word 'animal,'" his advisor Priya Menon told The Fiduciary. "The dip is one percent. His portfolio is up for the year." Halvorsen has requested the change be made immediately and also asked whether he has "missed the bottom."

Denver-based advisor Sarah Jensen spent eleven hours building a comprehensive 47-page financial plan, then asked her firm's AI tool to condense it into a one-page summary before an upcoming client meeting. The client, Rob Feeney, uploaded that summary to his ChatGPT and asked it to "just give me the gist." Feeney's version returned four words: "I think you're okay!" "He said the plan looked great," Jensen told The Fiduciary. "He was looking at a single sentence." The 47-page document, which took Jensen a weekend to model, remains unread by any human, including Jensen herself.

Scottsdale-based advisor Grant Pieretti told a client Monday to delay a planned $60,000 withdrawal until “the current retrograde at least passes the shadow phase,” a window he estimates to last at least three weeks. “Mercury governs contracts, transactions, and technology. You do not want to wire funds while we’re in the middle of that mess,” Pieretti said, referencing no economic indicator. Pieretti, who holds a Series 65 and a $9.99-a-month astrology app subscription, has reorganized the firm’s rebalancing calendar around the lunar cycle and describes his approach as “holistic.” The client, who needed the funds for a long-awaited kitchen renovation, has rescheduled his countertop installation to accommodate the position of Mercury.

Cincinnati-based advisor Todd Vance opened Wednesday’s review by warmly asking longtime client Paul Reinhart about “Aubrey and the twins,” a family that was scheduled to come in later that afternoon. “I have one kid. His name is Doug. Doug is 41,” Reinhart said, without trying to come off annoyed. Vance’s new assistant warned Todd this was bound to happen one day. “He does this thing where he glances at his notes and then looks up like he just remembered. I told him to not do that.” Vance, who keeps detailed personal notes on all clients specifically to build rapport, moved on without noticing, later asking Reinhart to say hi to a wife, who died in 2019.

Florida-based Advisor Dana Whitmore received the email at 6:14 this morning with the subject line “THOUGHTS??” and no other text. “Gary forwards me the same type of article every other month, like it’s breaking news,” Whitmore said. “I manage his money. I have read every article that exists. I wrote him a nine-page market outlook last month. He replied ‘k.’” The forwarded piece contained no new information and one autoplaying video ad for a reverse mortgage.

St. Louis-based Advisor Brad Kessler spent the week refining a seven-minute anecdote about a mix-up on a recent golf trip, which he plans to deploy during Thursday’s portfolio review with a retired couple. “You want them thinking ‘This is a guy I’d get a beer with!’” Kessler said, practicing a natural, spontaneous laugh. The couple, who have never shared any information about their personal lives with the advisor, will hear the golf story before any mention of their money or situation. Kessler reports the client relationship is “going really well.”

Naperville, IL-based advisor Rick Delgado, who allocated $1,400 of the firm's marketing budget to a second inflatable from “JoJo’s Bounce House of Fun,” reported he was "positioning for scale" ahead of Saturday's event. "Last year, we only had one castle and we brought in, I want to say, zero new households," Delgado said. "This year we go bigger. Plus, you get 10% off when you order two, so really it pays for itself." Delgado has also ordered a taco cart, a clown school student, and 400 branded stress balls that say “Don’t get squeezed by the market!” Delgado projects the event will convert "at least $20 million, maybe $30" in new assets, citing a feeling he had in the shower last week.

Director of Compliance Gary Pruett, 64, spent his final day rejecting a retirement cake on the grounds that "celebratory food creates the appearance of a gift." Reached at home on Tuesday, Pruett declined to be photographed, declined to comment, and declined the interview itself. "He said no to his own party," a colleague said. "He wouldn't have wanted it any other way."

Veteran advisor Dale Whitfield, 58, learned of the breach Tuesday when client Marvin Osterhout emailed a 14-point list of follow-up questions, including a request to clarify the disclosed conflict of interest on page 31. "In twenty-three years, no one has made it past the cover page," Whitfield said. "He highlighted things. He used tabs." Whitfield has since listed his book of business and signed up to be an Uber Eats driver.

Greenwich-based advisor Tom Brennan, who spent weeks leaving unreturned voicemails about Roth conversion deadlines, reports his phone began ringing right as the markets opened Tuesday and did not stop. "Mrs. Caldwell wanted to know if she should move everything to cash," Brennan said. "She has not opened a single quarterly statement since 2021. I know because I mailed them. Twice."

“This framework is going to change everything,” says Arthur Pendelton, CFP®, ChFC®, CLU®, who has not made a single outbound call since completing the last one.

Arthur Thompson, CFP®, ChFC®, CLU®, RICP®, AIF®, who met David Chen at a regional planning conference nine days ago, said he knew immediately. “You can just tell,” he explained, referring to a feeling he has previously described about former succession partners named Greg, Marcus, and the other Greg. David has already been added to the firm’s letterhead, the website, and a joint client email signed “Your Team for the Next 30 Years.”

Arthur's email signature now requires scrolling to see his phone number.

The advisor’s monthly newsletter, sent automatically at 8:00 AM on the first Tuesday of every month, arrived moments after the client finished pumping $127 worth of regular unleaded into a half-empty tank.

On Friday, Goldman Sachs Compliance announced it had successfully terminated analyst Katie Morrison after her TikTok account, which featured videos of her decorating cakes at 5:30 AM before work, was viewed by 34,500 people, inadvertently suggesting Goldman analysts are capable of activities unrelated to Excel.

“We have a zero-tolerance policy for unauthorized humanization of our workforce,” said Chief Compliance Officer Robert Chen, who spent six months reviewing Morrison’s 47 videos to ensure none contained confidential information, such as “evidence that our analysts have hobbies” or “proof that investment bankers experience joy.”

Chen’s team identified 14 potential compliance violations in Morrison’s content, including unauthorized use of the phrase ‘work-life balance,’ which violates the firm’s “Aspirational Messaging Guidelines” and the appearance of natural sunlight in three videos, suggesting Morrison leaves the office before 9 PM.

The termination comes as Goldman struggles to fill 2,600 internship positions, with 89% of applicants citing “literally anywhere else” as their preferred workplace.

“We’re very excited about our new recruitment strategy,” said HR Director Janet Palmer, unveiling Goldman’s new AI-powered recruitment bot, which has attracted zero Gen Z candidates, but extended offers to three Twitter bots and a Roomba.