St. Louis-based Advisor Brad Kessler spent the week refining a seven-minute anecdote about a mix-up on a recent golf trip, which he plans to deploy during Thursday’s portfolio review with a retired couple. “You want them thinking ‘This is a guy I’d get a beer with!’” Kessler said, practicing a natural, spontaneous laugh. The couple, who have never shared any information about their personal lives with the advisor, will hear the golf story before any mention of their money or situation. Kessler reports the client relationship is “going really well.”

Naperville, IL-based advisor Rick Delgado, who allocated $1,400 of the firm's marketing budget to a second inflatable from “JoJo’s Bounce House of Fun,” reported he was "positioning for scale" ahead of Saturday's event. "Last year, we only had one castle and we brought in, I want to say, zero new households," Delgado said. "This year we go bigger. Plus, you get 10% off when you order two, so really it pays for itself." Delgado has also ordered a taco cart, a clown school student, and 400 branded stress balls that say “Don’t get squeezed by the market!” Delgado projects the event will convert "at least $20 million, maybe $30" in new assets, citing a feeling he had in the shower last week.

Director of Compliance Gary Pruett, 64, spent his final day rejecting a retirement cake on the grounds that "celebratory food creates the appearance of a gift." Reached at home on Tuesday, Pruett declined to be photographed, declined to comment, and declined the interview itself. "He said no to his own party," a colleague said. "He wouldn't have wanted it any other way."

Veteran advisor Dale Whitfield, 58, learned of the breach Tuesday when client Marvin Osterhout emailed a 14-point list of follow-up questions, including a request to clarify the disclosed conflict of interest on page 31. "In twenty-three years, no one has made it past the cover page," Whitfield said. "He highlighted things. He used tabs." Whitfield has since listed his book of business and signed up to be an Uber Eats driver.

Greenwich-based advisor Tom Brennan, who spent weeks leaving unreturned voicemails about Roth conversion deadlines, reports his phone began ringing right as the markets opened Tuesday and did not stop. "Mrs. Caldwell wanted to know if she should move everything to cash," Brennan said. "She has not opened a single quarterly statement since 2021. I know because I mailed them. Twice."

“This framework is going to change everything,” says Arthur Pendelton, CFP®, ChFC®, CLU®, who has not made a single outbound call since completing the last one.

Arthur Thompson, CFP®, ChFC®, CLU®, RICP®, AIF®, who met David Chen at a regional planning conference nine days ago, said he knew immediately. “You can just tell,” he explained, referring to a feeling he has previously described about former succession partners named Greg, Marcus, and the other Greg. David has already been added to the firm’s letterhead, the website, and a joint client email signed “Your Team for the Next 30 Years.”

Arthur's email signature now requires scrolling to see his phone number.

The advisor’s monthly newsletter, sent automatically at 8:00 AM on the first Tuesday of every month, arrived moments after the client finished pumping $127 worth of regular unleaded into a half-empty tank.

On Friday, Goldman Sachs Compliance announced it had successfully terminated analyst Katie Morrison after her TikTok account, which featured videos of her decorating cakes at 5:30 AM before work, was viewed by 34,500 people, inadvertently suggesting Goldman analysts are capable of activities unrelated to Excel.

“We have a zero-tolerance policy for unauthorized humanization of our workforce,” said Chief Compliance Officer Robert Chen, who spent six months reviewing Morrison’s 47 videos to ensure none contained confidential information, such as “evidence that our analysts have hobbies” or “proof that investment bankers experience joy.”

Chen’s team identified 14 potential compliance violations in Morrison’s content, including unauthorized use of the phrase ‘work-life balance,’ which violates the firm’s “Aspirational Messaging Guidelines” and the appearance of natural sunlight in three videos, suggesting Morrison leaves the office before 9 PM.

The termination comes as Goldman struggles to fill 2,600 internship positions, with 89% of applicants citing “literally anywhere else” as their preferred workplace.

“We’re very excited about our new recruitment strategy,” said HR Director Janet Palmer, unveiling Goldman’s new AI-powered recruitment bot, which has attracted zero Gen Z candidates, but extended offers to three Twitter bots and a Roomba.

We cover the stories nobody else will touch: compliance nightmares, ridiculous personalities, impossible regulations, and the eternal question of how to justify a 1% fee in the age of index funds.

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