Arthur's email signature now requires scrolling to see his phone number.

The advisor’s monthly newsletter, sent automatically at 8:00 AM on the first Tuesday of every month, arrived moments after the client finished pumping $127 worth of regular unleaded into a half-empty tank.

On Friday, Goldman Sachs Compliance announced it had successfully terminated analyst Katie Morrison after her TikTok account, which featured videos of her decorating cakes at 5:30 AM before work, was viewed by 34,500 people, inadvertently suggesting Goldman analysts are capable of activities unrelated to Excel.

“We have a zero-tolerance policy for unauthorized humanization of our workforce,” said Chief Compliance Officer Robert Chen, who spent six months reviewing Morrison’s 47 videos to ensure none contained confidential information, such as “evidence that our analysts have hobbies” or “proof that investment bankers experience joy.”

Chen’s team identified 14 potential compliance violations in Morrison’s content, including unauthorized use of the phrase ‘work-life balance,’ which violates the firm’s “Aspirational Messaging Guidelines” and the appearance of natural sunlight in three videos, suggesting Morrison leaves the office before 9 PM.

The termination comes as Goldman struggles to fill 2,600 internship positions, with 89% of applicants citing “literally anywhere else” as their preferred workplace.

“We’re very excited about our new recruitment strategy,” said HR Director Janet Palmer, unveiling Goldman’s new AI-powered recruitment bot, which has attracted zero Gen Z candidates, but extended offers to three Twitter bots and a Roomba.

We cover the stories nobody else will touch: compliance nightmares, ridiculous personalities, impossible regulations, and the eternal question of how to justify a 1% fee in the age of index funds.

If you’re a financial advisor, wealth manager, or anyone who’s ever had to explain what an ADV is, this is for you.

Buckle up.

Your compliance officer is already nervous.